I won't have you trick me into any kind of randy sex talk!

That quote will only make sense to those of you that I’ve loaned the tape “A Bit of Fry & Laurie” to, but it was too perfect to forgo. The thing is, if you get embarrassed at the least little thing, you might want to skip this post. And I’ll probably just pretend that no one I actually know in person reads my blog.

Last Thursday, standing in the driveway talking to my neighbour (with my girl listening to everything, ears twitching), I was invited to a Home and Gift party. This is a Tupperware-esque party, sort of a cross between Pampered Chef and Candlelight. I agreed to go – why not? It was a chance to visit with grown-ups. “Also” she says, glancing nervously at M., after that there is a…more…intimate party”. Can you stay for it?

Hmmm. Am I being invited to a lingerie selling party? (Hooray!), a love shop type party? (to use when?) or some weird sort of neighbourhood swingers party? (in Whitmore Park? Not likely and no thank you). I glance at M. and mutter “yeah, sure, I guess”.

Now in my head I’m thinking “oh come on, it’ll be fun. A bunch of women getting together laughing and having fun. I’m not some 20-something year old that can’t talk about sex in front of a bunch of women”. Yeah. Like there are 20-somethings these days that CAN’T talk about it. What era am I living in?

So; first party if fun. M. is away at a movie, I’m on my own. I bought a couple of pastry scrapers, some cool pastry bags and a tiered cooling rack. The rack alone made the party worthwhile: lots of cookie cooling space without using up tons of counter space!

Fast forward to party number two – which turns out to be a sex toy party. So I give myself another talking to, and stay seated. Now let me clarify things here: I have nothing against sex. It is, to the best of my recollection, a wonderful thing. It’s watching someone go on and on about various toys and their uses that I can’t cope with. There were two older women (older than me, everyone else was in their 20’s), one of whom looked like she might be shopping for her part time job (honestly, skirt that short? Make-up that thickly laid on?), the other, well, I’m pretty this party wasn’t for her. She wasn’t invited, actually, but decided to stay after the first party, just for fun. Because, and I’m not kidding “imagine what my church ladies will think!” Good Heavens, now there’s an interesting bible study in the making!

I am still not sure I can get through this without laughing my head off, or making horny 14 year old boy remarks when in walk several women…with their boyfriends! WTF? NO ONE brings guys to these things, that’s the whole point. So now I am doubly unsure what to do. So I stay.

Lucky for me, the first half of the presentation is for lotions and stuff. Some of it bath stuff, so useful regardless of whether you’re bathing with someone or not. And some of it has alternate applications. Trust me, though, I don’t think penis numbing cream as a solution for itchy mosquito bites is ever going to catch on.

I’d like to know whose job it was to name some of the things, or even to come up with some of the ideas. Vibrating bath tub sponge? (Oh I am so sad; my first thought was “how would you clean the tub with a vibrating sponge? And wouldn’t cleaners wreck it?”).

There was some pretty cool stuff; the honey dust was one that looked fun to me. Probably the only time the words “dust” and “fun” can be used in the same sentence. Not that I bought any – but should I end up with a honey who wants to be dusted, well, ya never know. Lots of oil based things, bath salt things and chocolate things. Chocolate really does go with everything. And I thought that was a cooking maxim!

We were almost done part one of the party when the doorbell rings and in walks my girl. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Quick grab of the shoulders, turn her around to face the other way and out we go. I even left my purse and a cheque from someone who had ordered kitchen things on my order sheet behind. So I can’t even say that I’ve been to a sex-toy party. Half a one, yes, and nary a toy in sight.

At least I got away without spending money on something that I wouldn’t be using, anyway. I had already spent an hour in the afternoon sorting out the half of my dresser that I keep lingerie in. (Three drawers for underwear, three drawers for everything else. No wonder I’m not married – where would he put his stuff?) I had to cull old things, to make room for new things. I realized when I was done that I had a drawer of everyday stuff, a drawer of more fun stuff that I nevertheless wear all the time and a drawer of stuff that I’ve never worn, ever. I was appalled. I know other women that do this: buy things they never wear – shoes, clothes, etc. But do guys? I can’t see a guy buying a pair of shoes and then not ever wearing them. I hope I’m not the only one with a collection of things never worn, ingredients never used, tools that remain pristine in the tool box. ‘Cause I’d hate that.